Sayonara, suckers!

Owen Petrie

Don’t hate me ‘cause I’m beautiful. A pretty young thang hit up my inbox. She said she could sense my Owenness through my homepage. (I’m paraphrasing a little bit but that was the gist of it.) I didn’t know her but it turns out, she knows a lot of my friends. Well, mostly the men. I figured they’re probably the ones who let her know how great I am. Thanks guys. 

Then, outta nowhere, another hottie inboxed me. She was even prettier than the other one, and she spoke with the cutest accent. Actually, I’ve never heard her voice, but she writes with the cutest accent: “Hello. I am hapy to meet you. You havs a wonderful look wich I would like to know more about you…” Then she gave me her email address so we could begin our dialogue beyond Mark Zuckerberg’s prying eyes, just like the other babe. I guess that’s how the kids are doing it nowadays. (she’s also friends with half the guys on my friend’s list. What a coinkydink.)

Any young stud can sport six pack abs, but these women half my age have the wisdom to appreciate a steel coated half-keg…and mine comes already tapped (out). Soon, I’ll be cruising the Mediterranean with two hot chicks on my yacht, which I’ll buy from the millions I'm about to get from the Nigerian banker I helped out a couple of months ago.

Sayonara, suckers!

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